A "Carry On" PMQs: Miss Niblett’s Summer of Sex

Niblett rose to address what she termed a "guilty embarrassment" around discussing sexual health and anatomy, arguing that a societal fear of using anatomical words is actively leading to the late diagnosis of conditions like cervical and gynaecological cancers.

"September is National Gynaecological Awareness Month," Niblett declared. "And as the summer of sex comes to a close, will the Prime Minister agree to meet with me to talk about my campaign?"

The Chamber immediately dissolved into childish, puritanical giggles. The problem with Niblett’s semi-serious point is that it belongs in 1860, not 2026. We live in a post-1960s, hyper-sexualised society; trying to shock the House with anatomical terms doesn't look progressive, it just triggers the exact schoolboy snickering that ruins any serious medical point she was trying to make.

However, it did provide the Prime Minister with a rare opportunity for humour—though he managed to turn it into a bizarre piece of prime-ministerial slut-shaming.

"I will indeed, Mr. Speaker," Burnham replied with a smirk. "She’s been raising important issues that others haven’t spoken about. And it’s very clear to me that her summer was more exciting than mine."

As sketched by sketch-writers in the upper gallery, Burnham essentially branded his own backbencher a "filthy little mink". The reality, of course, is pure jealousy. While Niblett was allegedly enjoying her "summer of sex", Burnham spent his summer desperately running across the United Kingdom, banging on doors, and trying to convince the public he had a national vision.

The Economic Reality: Moving from Year Zero to a Perilous Peak

While the Prime Minister was busy cracking jokes about his MPs' sex lives, the economic roof was actively collapsing. The Labour leadership has spent the week trying to convince the public that this is "Year Zero", pretending every single fiscal failure is a partial legacy of the Tories spooking the markets.

But the markets have officially seen through the trick. The financial reality today is terrifying:

• British gilt yields are now officially higher than they were at the absolute peak of the disastrous Liz Truss mini-budget.
• The UK is currently in its most perilous borrowing state since the global financial crisis of 2008.

The dynamic has completely shifted, and the right has moved on. While the left under Burnham remains pathologically obsessed with Margaret Thatcher and the 1980s, the modern right has abandoned neoliberalism for populist nationalism, even discussing the nationalisation of steel.

Burnham and Chancellor John Healey are completely out of their depth. They either maliciously misunderstand the bond markets or, more likely, genuinely do not comprehend them. They have chosen to spend more, borrow more, and splash cash on public sector welfare while completely failing to fund the one thing the country desperately needs: national defence.

The Verdict: A Fast Track to the 1970s

Nowhere was Burnham’s incompetence more dangerously exposed than during his absolute bungle over defence spending commitments. When pushed into a corner by Kemi Badenoch, Burnham confidently announced a plan to meet NATO commitments by 2035—entirely oblivious to the fact that the legally targeted year to reach 3% of GDP is 2032.

When a Prime Minister doesn't even know the timeline for funding the military during an active war situation with Russia, the "triple helix" jargon of regional devolution becomes totally irrelevant. The public is going to grow sick of this mad, abstract blather very quickly.

If this first week at the despatch box has proven anything, it’s that Starmerism 2.0 is just the exact same economic nonsense delivered in a northern accent. Burnham’s team will undoubtedly call for a review, report back in a couple of years, and tell us that "lessons have been learned".

But the markets won't wait that long. Samantha Niblett’s "summer of sex" is officially over, and as is the way with all traditional Labour governments, it is about to be followed by a very long, very cold Winter of Discontent.